The Path

My foot has been set upon a path I do not understand. I walk in faith knowing that there is a plan to be revealed. What is it? When will it be revealed and why must I suffer so? God has intrusted so much into my care and I struggle to protect it all. I cry out for discernment of this path he placed me on. Lord help me to understand where you are leading me. But most of all, protect me on this path.

Looking Forward

Halloween has come and gone. All the ghosts and goblins are tucked away for another year. With this passing brings on the holidays, and soon to follow a new year. I'm ready. It's time to move on. In so many ways, moving on is exactly what I need to do. I struggle with decisions that in so many ways are already made, yet not implemented. I pray that 2008 will bring me more strength and courage to face that which holds me back.
My aunt died last night on Halloween. Kinda creepy. I know she is now out of pain and I can only pray that she is now with her father. She left behind a husband, three children, numerous grandchildren, a brother and a sister, a mother, and nieces as well as cousins. She lost her battle with cancer. As children we spent a few weeks each summer with her and her children. They were our country cousins, and we were the city girls. She was a good woman and will be missed by many. My prayers go out all who loved her. We are selfish in our desires to keep those we love with us, but in reality, she is now at peace and no longer in pain. For that I'm grateful.

Knowing

Some things really matter. Some things don't. Finding the difference between the two? Well....a journey to say the least. While we can turn our heads away from some things and just accept them for what they are, other things can not be so easily overlooked. The parts of life that matter. These are different from person to person. What matters to one, may not matter to another. So how do we know? I believe that we begin by treating others the way we wish to be treated, then we learn and find what lies deep within those we love and try our best to understand what matters to them. It may be something very insignificant, but because of their past or present, it's need for mattering, no matter how justified or unjustified is present in their lives and knowing this becomes important to us. We seek people in our lives who know what matters to us. Some get it, some don't. It takes time, effort, and love to know. Most of all, it takes stepping outside of your own selfishness to see others......their needs, what matters most, and giving....even when it's not the most convient. Do you know? Are you known?

Is it possible?

To love lukewarm? Just wondering.

Wow, I forgot about this thing!!

Ok~
So my little sis suggested I start this blog spot thing. Looking back, I wrote a few times and then just stopped. Hmmm........got busy I guess. So maybe I'll try this thing again and see. I haven't really learned how to use this blog site so I guess I will remain on my lonely island and use it as a place to ramble all my confusions.
I'm 40 now. YEA for me! I feel good physically. I feel confident. With the exception of a few more wrinkles, I think I'm good. We will just call those character creases.
So.....I'm good & bad, happy & sad. Loving someone, and missing someone. Frustrated and satisfied all at the same time. How can that be? I'm lost yet feel that for the first time I'm found. Maybe it doesn't matter how it can be because it is what it is.
So I'm kinda in a tight spot right now, backed into a corner you could say. As I contemplate how to fight my way out, I see a new side of myself. I had a friend tell me yesterday that I could fall in a pile of dog shit and come out smelling like a rose. Hmmm........is that so? I'm flattered that she believes in me so much. The truth is, I am a fighter. I'm learning this about myself. I used to feel like a pacifist I guess. Allowing shit to just happen and accepting it. Wow, how times have changed. Never again. I'm learning not only that I can love more deeply than I ever dreamed but that I can hate with that same passion. Not a great trait to have, especially as a Christian woman. I'm really working on all that forgiveness but sometimes while I feel I have forgiven, my anger comes back with a passion and furry and intensity that I never felt possible. This is a part of me you never want to see. Very ugly, mean and hateful. But I guess on the flip side, I've learned that I can love and care and accept not only myself but so many others in my life. 40's good but I can't wait for 2007 to end in all honesty. So.......I guess it's time to put up my dukes and fight my battles head on. I'm fighting for my dream, I'm fighting for all my hard work, I'm fighting for my rights, I'm fighting for my future, and I'm fighting for all those who believe in me. Pray for me, and if you don't believe in God, I will pray for you.

Words to live by: Never make a permanet decision based on a temporary situation.

Time Slow Down

Why does it seem that the older we get, the faster time flies? It's so frustrating. I so miss the lazy days. Sleeping until noon on the cool sheets with the fan blowing on me. Laying under the stars at night, sharing dreams with a friend. Walking everywhere we went. For it wasn't the destination but the journey. I miss those days. I look at my kids and wonder if they will ever get to experience what I did on those lazy summer days and lazy summer nights. I think not. I would love to take a vacation. Not to a destination but a vacation from time. I miss that.

Can you Handle it?

Okay, so I'm almost 40. Most women are upset with this number but I embrace it. I can't wait to turn 40. I feel like it's the beginning of my second half of life. Looking back on the first half I would have to say that the first quarter was okay, I did my thing and sewed my oats so to say. The second quarter was full of blessings (my children), challenges (raising my children), heartache and hurt. I would have to say that God gave me in some ways a balance so that I could survive, but I wasn't where I needed to be. Woohoo ~ Halftime~ I feel like that is where I am now. Breaking away from the old and not yet beginning the new. I've learned alot from this first half. As I get ready to enter the second half, I often wonder not if I can handle it, but can you? My second half, I'm going to live hard & love deep. I'm going to put God first and not allow anyone to hurt me intentionally. I'm going to use my voice and speak my peace and let people know when they've crossed the line. I'm going to listen more, and work harder to build up those around me and allow them to build me up as well. Being true to myself and who God intended me to be. So I guess now I wonder..........can those around me handle it? We will see, won't we. Be Blessed.